First steps

I started learning C last week, something I always wanted to learn, but never thought I could.
My "highschool" teacher always said that girls sucked a maths and that there was really no point in trying to get into it, because girl brains couldn't grasp those concepts. And eventho I knew the man was full of sh*t I must have made in impact on me somehow because I never looked into it after I left school.

Anyway, so I had been thinking about wanting to understand computer language, of and on for the last couple of years, but found it kinda daunting ;) , most guys I know that can program are so frelling smart if I ask them something, within 2 words all I hear is "blablablabla" . So when someone directed me towards a tutorial online I jumped on it, and started reading and writing. A. found an old schoolbook on C and gave me that and now I read and write all day long :).

It is kinda cool that I DO understand the concepts and the math, but I have problems with naming the different parts of the program, I guess I need someone who can tell me in layman's terms (probably like 10.000 times and THEN I might get it) because the book assumes that you get it right away, and well I don't. Mainly because I don't have people to help me while I read it, so I kinda name them myself (and if I frell that up, well it gets stuck in my mind "wrong" ). Having said that I like doing this alone because I probably make huge ass mistakes and look like a 5 year old learning to read ;)

I already wrote some (really) simple programs, like the "hello world" one, a for loop and a while loop, it was kinda cool I got the while loop to work, cause I made it all by myself.

Lemme copy and paste it:

# include 
# include 

int main (void)
{
  int x=1 ;
  while (x <=100)
 {
    if (x % 3==0 && x % 5==0)
   {
      printf ("FizzBuzz \n");
   }
    else if (x % 3 ==0)
    {
     printf ("Fizz \n");
    }
     else if (x % 5 ==0)
     {
      printf ("Buzz \n");
     }
      else
      {
       printf (" %d \n", x);
      }
  x++;
 }
  return EXIT_SUCCESS;
}

More Sides

I've been re-reading the previous post and have some more thoughts on it, not so flattering towards me :).
I not just re-read my blog but I did some reading up on my PD's too. Very interesting and frustrating at the same time. Never knew that the way I dress can be contributed to SPD or that the way I react to people is so set into the rules dictated by my disorders that I'm almost frelling textbook. Not so good for my ego :). On the other hand it states that I could (or should, whatever) be emotionally cold and withdrawn without the need for social interaction. The voice in my head goes "YAY I'm not like that." I have friends. I have social interaction on a daily basis. And most of the time I don't even suck at that (or so I'm told).

So how much of me is... well me, I guess and how much am I formed ( I was gonna write dictated) by my disorders?

I have thought about that before and I did do some reading (well a lot of reading) on BPS, but I never got to reading about the other disorders. Having done that now, I understand why I never did that ;). It's not very flattering to read your "characteristics" being stated as symptoms, down to the colour of my hair!!

I pride myself on having a choice, on being "high functioning" (which I am) but on the other hand I am a collection of weird symptoms thrown together. How much of what I do is not a choice but a response to a malfunctioning brain?

So, the guilt thing of the last post. How much of the resentment and the need to let go of that relationship is truly there. How much of it is my need for being left alone, not wanting my boat to be rocked? It might be a whole lot more than I'd like to admit. Am I being honest towards that person... or am I protecting myself from hurt (real or imagined)? Do I feel attacked because that is what my disorders make me feel? And if it is a brain thing and not a real thing, how much value should I put on those emotions?

And now that I have written that, it would only be fair to let them get their sh*t out in the open and leave them be. Because, as much as I might like to be normal/better/healthy, this is as good as I'm ever gonna be. If someone cannot handle my disorder-induced behaviour, that's nobodies fault. It's just two people who shouldn't hang out because they don't "mix" well.

I know I have issues, but I think I tend to forget that I'm not the only one dealing with them. The people around me deal with them just as much as I do. And they don't even have the insight I have into the matter. I guess mostly they just react to what I put out there. That can be very shady (at best) and they do a great job ( kudos to them!!) in feeling what I need. Sometimes even before I know what it is I need.

My friends must be the most amazing in the whole world, wanting to be with me,even though I do react oddly and can be downright scary when I'm in one of my moods. I remember asking one of my friends why she (still) was my friend. She answered: "you're worth it, because you strive to be better and you're fun." As I said: I have the most amazing friends!

Having said that, I've also let some people go (and been "set free" by others). Not because they were bad people but because I can be quite a lot to handle. All of the friends I have now (close friends that is), I've know for at least 16 years. Which means they knew me when I was a whole lot sicker (or had more outward symptoms) than I am now. They've seen me grow and grew with me ;) The people that walked in and out of my life are usually "newer" friends and I think our age works there too. We are all in our late thirties now and don't have the energy or mindset to deal with ...well me on a bad day. :) I'm starting to notice that I myself don't even have that stamina anymore. Bouncing back takes longer and longer, thank God I don't bounce as much as I used to.

It's probably a very unreadable post and I should get back to it soon to rewrite the whole thing so it makes more sense. But I needed to get it out of my head, so I can look at it and see how I feel about this tomorrow.

Sides of Resentment

I kinda pride myself on the fact that I (have learned) to see other peoples' pov, and that I am never to proud to admit I frelled up and say "sorry".

But until very recently I never felt like it was a chore or that I was being "played" into feeling guilty about stuff I really shouldn't feel guilty about. I honestly feel that if somebody misinterprets what I say once, I might be expressing myself poorly but if it happens on a regular basis, is that really me?


Communication is work, people are different; and when you communicate, these differences will come into play. People tend to express themselves poorly, especially when dealing with emotions. I fear I am no exception but I do tend to want to see the other's pov which (I feel) makes communication towards me a whole lot easier. I choose to think they mean well. That if I hear something hurtful I probably misunderstood in the first place, and I will ask explicitly what the are trying to say. Most of the time I did misunderstand and once explained we can move on in our conversations.. All good...

But what if you feel like somebody is doing the misunderstanding thing (almost) on purpose. As a way to harm you, keep you under, make you guilty? First up I wonder WHY would anyone like to do that, as it seems pretty frelling hurtful to me. But hey, I can't claim to know anybodies motivations but my own. So lets leave the why they do that out of it. How would you respond in this situation?

I responded by bending over backwards to make my point in a calm, reasonable manner, apologizing for my poor choice of words, restating in different words what I meant.... nothing. Still everything I said was interpreted as me being an utter B****H and I apologized again and kept silent.... (and if you know me you know how hard that is to me ;). Then they went on stating a long list of my wrongdoings telling me how hateful and what a terrible person I am. Of course not to hurt me (Duuh!! How is a person supposed to react to stuff like that. It's painful to be told that, whatever the motivation behind it). I could feel myself getting mad. BUT, trying to see the other persons pov, I kept silent, swallowing my anger (I got mad because I was hurt, I get that) and even frelling apologized AGAIN!! In retrospect I think that is where the resentment really began to kick in (on my side) but that is not what I wonder about.

The question is: how far do you go in righting a wrong. Even though you feel that the mistake was excusable, you wronged someone. How much punishment do you take? Is that up to the hurt party or do you have a say in that? Can you (or I in this case) say, "listen I know you are hurt but here is my line in the sand. I will not let you punish me anymore, and if that means we cannot be friends, so be it. I'll miss you but..... Bye". And the truth is that if that is the statement I want to make, not much of the friendship or love survived the punishment in the first place. On the other hand, I did wrong somebody, so should I just suck it up and let them get it out of their system? :) Kinda hard to know what the "right" thing to do is while I can feel my own resentment growing.

Wish there was a book on it. ;)

Of course, open to yall's views

booored

sigh, I so need to find a cool church OR people to shoot, this is kinda boring

Strange art

So I'm still kinda trying to break the habit (feels a LOT like quitting smoking ;) ), but I'm doing far better then I would have thought Friday, which just proves nothing is ever as bad as you think it is.

I am however just bubbling with ideas about pictures, and have great story-lines in my head I even picked up the pens again and did some drawing (woow who would have ever thought that!). It seems that feeling sad makes me more creative, lol, very sad but apparently true.

After Sabrina died I thought I could never take a picture again, I felt so... empty... everthing just seemed utterly useless. And I'm not saying it makes more sense now, if anything it is more useless :) but a shock like this to my system might just be what I needed. Yes, there is no point to life, good people die, bad people live, you get heart broken or break your own heart, that is kinda it. I think life isn't supposed to be easy, or painless for that matter, it's supposed to be a journey.

And I think the most treasured memories are the ones that have a sting, that is why it's so easy to find creative ideas in pain I guess, but it has to be the right kind of pain, not the disabling numbness I felt after Sabrina died, where nothing I could do would have changed the outcome. But this pain, kinda my own doing, with a nice coating of anger and frustration I can't wait to get my camera and shoot some stuff.

I should be grateful that this happened to me, I did try to pick the camera up before, but it never felt "good" or the same, like there was a distinct "before" and "after", and I could never get my mindset like the "before" again. Now..... I think I can, I know I can, I might suck at inter human relations ;), but I can push that button, I can make that shot.

I can be me again

So in all honesty I should say... thanks, you've been a lifesaver

staying positive

It has not been my best week ever, well it has been a totally crapy week to be blunt. Some of the stuff I can't write down because they are not my secrets to tell, most of the stuff I just don't want to write down because they're embarrassing.

Needless to say I frelled up :) (what else is new) but, on a positive note, I did manage to be there for the friends that needed me, and even helped some of them to feel better, if only for a little while.
So even in my frelled up state I was of some use (good to know right?)

Right now I'm trying to stay positive, find bright sides, force myself to smile, moving on. A friend told me that the best way to get over this "bump" is to deny it ever happened and remove all traces of it out of my life. Which I'm doing now, she swore it would help lots, so here goes hoping it works.

And on the more positive note, now that I have to keep myself busy (not to think/feel cause that is bad) I have been very effective in the house, it's squeaky clean and I'm thinking about baking something...

... ow baking, clear sign of depression, meh... I'll take that bump too, I'll take every bump and come out stronger .....

nuff with the power talk, muffins need to be baked (or brownies)

a Fresh start

I decided to clean up my blog and start over, I got bored with not having it open to everybody and the negative fibe that seem to cling to some of the posts.

So there a fresh start...

Now to find some positive things to write about :P

I'm sure I'll be bitching soon enough

101 Goals

Here is my goals list
I will change this blog as I complete tasks

If you like the idea and want to make your own list please visit
http://www.dayzeroproject.com



Well as my start day is today my end day will be January, 2, 2012
That sounds nice and far away :P

101 goals list

1. Eat 3 meals a day for a week (have been for 2 weeks now YAAAH me)
2. Quit smoking ( the stop date is the 21 of May, and started again :|)
3. The "week" :P
4. Get to bed by 10 for a whole week
5. Test my hearing
6. Get a beauty regime
7. Stick with it for a week
8. Find a sport I like
9. Do that 3 times a week for a month
10. Make a doctors appointment (the 17 of April)
11. Make a dentist appointment (the 23 of April)
12. Don't game for a full day
13. Don't drink for a month FAILED!!
14. Visit Jans' grave
15. Call Alwi for an appointment (the 14 of May)
16. Make a decision about working at Atak
17. Make a decision about working at Geuzenpop (was made for me, don't have a babysit so no Geuzepop for me)
18. Don't get mad or irritated for a day
19. Don't nag for a day
20. 2 days in one week no tv whatsoever
21. Be kind to everybody for one day (and mean it)
22. Walk in the rain
23. Give away something of mine (not trash but a meaningful thing)(gave away a bracelet)
24. Light a rice paper lantern
25. Make a wish while doing that ( FAILED better luck next time, still have one)
26. Visit 4 different museums
27. Ask everybody how they are for a day (listen to the answer)
28. Inspire someone to make a list like this one (well that was easy enough)
29. Tell 3 loved ones that I love them
30. Take my photography seriously (and myself for doing it)
31. Write a letter to my dad
32. Meditate 3 times
33. Find 10 things about myself that I like (write them down and believe them)
34. Stand on a scale and look( do it a few times over the span of a month)
35. Be honest about being hurt or upset for a day
36. Celebrate my birthday (try to have fun and like it)

37. Finish a photo series (any one really)
38. Print some photos (large)
39. Finish the book
40. Learn how to build a site
41. Build my own site
42. Photograph 4 strangers
43. photograph everything for a week
44. Post it (somewhere) as proof
45. Sort and burn all older photos
46. Take my sons' photo's
47. Hang them in the living room
48. Photograph a band ( I don't have to meet all the goals :P)

49. Save money
50. Buy software
51. finish the sleeve (tattoo)
52. Finish the sleeve ( will be a second tattooed sleeve)
53. Finish the dress
54. Drive a car
55. Post a blog once a week for a month
56. Get all my paper work up to date
57. Buy 2 cd's
58. Cook something I never made before (cornbread thanks to Laura)
59. Don't drink coffee for a full day (not even decaf)
60. Make a crane (picture) + (these too)
61. Make a flower (water lilly) (picture)
62. Make a difficult figure (as I need to find one first)
63. Be the best at the NGT 2 exam (2-07-09)
64. Read 6 new books(Thanks to Sandra and Charlenne Harris I read way more new ones thanthat)
65. Plant wild flowers
66. Pimp my bike :P
67. Post this list (done)
68. Give myself 2 Euro for each completed goal (12/101)
69. Don't cheat on this list. I will fail I need to allow that to happen and NOT give up
70. Picnic in the park a night
71. Buy two new pairs of trousers
72. Go out to dinner with Arnoud 3 times ( he gets to choose the place) (once so far)
73. Reply to 3 blogs of people I don't know (tell them why they touched me)
74. Compliment everybody (that I now) for a full day ( I have to mean it and be original)
75. Buy somebody a gift
76. Get the concert for the deaf started (or try as hard as I can to get it started)
77. Learn to type blind (I'm doing that but I s*ck at it)

78. Clean up the front garden and keep it clean for a month
79. Clean the entire house daily for a week
80. Don't answer my cell unless I'm home for a day (no texting too)
81. Clean out the fridge

82. Sing 10 songs in one day for Kalle
83. Teach Kalle the A-B-C song (note the words he knows, just the signing the alphabet in Dutch sign language might take a tad longer)
84. Have a Bram day (20-6-09)
85. make a painting with my sons
86. Make Brams tree house
87. Visit a concert with Bram
88. Take my sons to a pancake restaurant (21-4-2010)
89. Fix Kalles room

90. Do 3 lighting shifts in Atak
91. Sort though all my old letters
92. Sort all my books out
93. Try to throw (or give) away 50 books (35/50) here
94. Sort through all the kitchen/glass work/plates &c.
95. Throw (or give) away what we don't use
96. Listen to a band someone mentions to me
97. Read a book someone mentions to me
98. Thank them for their great taste
99. Take Bram photographing
100. Arrange a high tea
101. Find a last goal