More Sides

I've been re-reading the previous post and have some more thoughts on it, not so flattering towards me :).
I not just re-read my blog but I did some reading up on my PD's too. Very interesting and frustrating at the same time. Never knew that the way I dress can be contributed to SPD or that the way I react to people is so set into the rules dictated by my disorders that I'm almost frelling textbook. Not so good for my ego :). On the other hand it states that I could (or should, whatever) be emotionally cold and withdrawn without the need for social interaction. The voice in my head goes "YAY I'm not like that." I have friends. I have social interaction on a daily basis. And most of the time I don't even suck at that (or so I'm told).

So how much of me is... well me, I guess and how much am I formed ( I was gonna write dictated) by my disorders?

I have thought about that before and I did do some reading (well a lot of reading) on BPS, but I never got to reading about the other disorders. Having done that now, I understand why I never did that ;). It's not very flattering to read your "characteristics" being stated as symptoms, down to the colour of my hair!!

I pride myself on having a choice, on being "high functioning" (which I am) but on the other hand I am a collection of weird symptoms thrown together. How much of what I do is not a choice but a response to a malfunctioning brain?

So, the guilt thing of the last post. How much of the resentment and the need to let go of that relationship is truly there. How much of it is my need for being left alone, not wanting my boat to be rocked? It might be a whole lot more than I'd like to admit. Am I being honest towards that person... or am I protecting myself from hurt (real or imagined)? Do I feel attacked because that is what my disorders make me feel? And if it is a brain thing and not a real thing, how much value should I put on those emotions?

And now that I have written that, it would only be fair to let them get their sh*t out in the open and leave them be. Because, as much as I might like to be normal/better/healthy, this is as good as I'm ever gonna be. If someone cannot handle my disorder-induced behaviour, that's nobodies fault. It's just two people who shouldn't hang out because they don't "mix" well.

I know I have issues, but I think I tend to forget that I'm not the only one dealing with them. The people around me deal with them just as much as I do. And they don't even have the insight I have into the matter. I guess mostly they just react to what I put out there. That can be very shady (at best) and they do a great job ( kudos to them!!) in feeling what I need. Sometimes even before I know what it is I need.

My friends must be the most amazing in the whole world, wanting to be with me,even though I do react oddly and can be downright scary when I'm in one of my moods. I remember asking one of my friends why she (still) was my friend. She answered: "you're worth it, because you strive to be better and you're fun." As I said: I have the most amazing friends!

Having said that, I've also let some people go (and been "set free" by others). Not because they were bad people but because I can be quite a lot to handle. All of the friends I have now (close friends that is), I've know for at least 16 years. Which means they knew me when I was a whole lot sicker (or had more outward symptoms) than I am now. They've seen me grow and grew with me ;) The people that walked in and out of my life are usually "newer" friends and I think our age works there too. We are all in our late thirties now and don't have the energy or mindset to deal with ...well me on a bad day. :) I'm starting to notice that I myself don't even have that stamina anymore. Bouncing back takes longer and longer, thank God I don't bounce as much as I used to.

It's probably a very unreadable post and I should get back to it soon to rewrite the whole thing so it makes more sense. But I needed to get it out of my head, so I can look at it and see how I feel about this tomorrow.