More Sides

I've been re-reading the previous post and have some more thoughts on it, not so flattering towards me :).
I not just re-read my blog but I did some reading up on my PD's too. Very interesting and frustrating at the same time. Never knew that the way I dress can be contributed to SPD or that the way I react to people is so set into the rules dictated by my disorders that I'm almost frelling textbook. Not so good for my ego :). On the other hand it states that I could (or should, whatever) be emotionally cold and withdrawn without the need for social interaction. The voice in my head goes "YAY I'm not like that." I have friends. I have social interaction on a daily basis. And most of the time I don't even suck at that (or so I'm told).

So how much of me is... well me, I guess and how much am I formed ( I was gonna write dictated) by my disorders?

I have thought about that before and I did do some reading (well a lot of reading) on BPS, but I never got to reading about the other disorders. Having done that now, I understand why I never did that ;). It's not very flattering to read your "characteristics" being stated as symptoms, down to the colour of my hair!!

I pride myself on having a choice, on being "high functioning" (which I am) but on the other hand I am a collection of weird symptoms thrown together. How much of what I do is not a choice but a response to a malfunctioning brain?

So, the guilt thing of the last post. How much of the resentment and the need to let go of that relationship is truly there. How much of it is my need for being left alone, not wanting my boat to be rocked? It might be a whole lot more than I'd like to admit. Am I being honest towards that person... or am I protecting myself from hurt (real or imagined)? Do I feel attacked because that is what my disorders make me feel? And if it is a brain thing and not a real thing, how much value should I put on those emotions?

And now that I have written that, it would only be fair to let them get their sh*t out in the open and leave them be. Because, as much as I might like to be normal/better/healthy, this is as good as I'm ever gonna be. If someone cannot handle my disorder-induced behaviour, that's nobodies fault. It's just two people who shouldn't hang out because they don't "mix" well.

I know I have issues, but I think I tend to forget that I'm not the only one dealing with them. The people around me deal with them just as much as I do. And they don't even have the insight I have into the matter. I guess mostly they just react to what I put out there. That can be very shady (at best) and they do a great job ( kudos to them!!) in feeling what I need. Sometimes even before I know what it is I need.

My friends must be the most amazing in the whole world, wanting to be with me,even though I do react oddly and can be downright scary when I'm in one of my moods. I remember asking one of my friends why she (still) was my friend. She answered: "you're worth it, because you strive to be better and you're fun." As I said: I have the most amazing friends!

Having said that, I've also let some people go (and been "set free" by others). Not because they were bad people but because I can be quite a lot to handle. All of the friends I have now (close friends that is), I've know for at least 16 years. Which means they knew me when I was a whole lot sicker (or had more outward symptoms) than I am now. They've seen me grow and grew with me ;) The people that walked in and out of my life are usually "newer" friends and I think our age works there too. We are all in our late thirties now and don't have the energy or mindset to deal with ...well me on a bad day. :) I'm starting to notice that I myself don't even have that stamina anymore. Bouncing back takes longer and longer, thank God I don't bounce as much as I used to.

It's probably a very unreadable post and I should get back to it soon to rewrite the whole thing so it makes more sense. But I needed to get it out of my head, so I can look at it and see how I feel about this tomorrow.

Sides of Resentment

I kinda pride myself on the fact that I (have learned) to see other peoples' pov, and that I am never to proud to admit I frelled up and say "sorry".

But until very recently I never felt like it was a chore or that I was being "played" into feeling guilty about stuff I really shouldn't feel guilty about. I honestly feel that if somebody misinterprets what I say once, I might be expressing myself poorly but if it happens on a regular basis, is that really me?


Communication is work, people are different; and when you communicate, these differences will come into play. People tend to express themselves poorly, especially when dealing with emotions. I fear I am no exception but I do tend to want to see the other's pov which (I feel) makes communication towards me a whole lot easier. I choose to think they mean well. That if I hear something hurtful I probably misunderstood in the first place, and I will ask explicitly what the are trying to say. Most of the time I did misunderstand and once explained we can move on in our conversations.. All good...

But what if you feel like somebody is doing the misunderstanding thing (almost) on purpose. As a way to harm you, keep you under, make you guilty? First up I wonder WHY would anyone like to do that, as it seems pretty frelling hurtful to me. But hey, I can't claim to know anybodies motivations but my own. So lets leave the why they do that out of it. How would you respond in this situation?

I responded by bending over backwards to make my point in a calm, reasonable manner, apologizing for my poor choice of words, restating in different words what I meant.... nothing. Still everything I said was interpreted as me being an utter B****H and I apologized again and kept silent.... (and if you know me you know how hard that is to me ;). Then they went on stating a long list of my wrongdoings telling me how hateful and what a terrible person I am. Of course not to hurt me (Duuh!! How is a person supposed to react to stuff like that. It's painful to be told that, whatever the motivation behind it). I could feel myself getting mad. BUT, trying to see the other persons pov, I kept silent, swallowing my anger (I got mad because I was hurt, I get that) and even frelling apologized AGAIN!! In retrospect I think that is where the resentment really began to kick in (on my side) but that is not what I wonder about.

The question is: how far do you go in righting a wrong. Even though you feel that the mistake was excusable, you wronged someone. How much punishment do you take? Is that up to the hurt party or do you have a say in that? Can you (or I in this case) say, "listen I know you are hurt but here is my line in the sand. I will not let you punish me anymore, and if that means we cannot be friends, so be it. I'll miss you but..... Bye". And the truth is that if that is the statement I want to make, not much of the friendship or love survived the punishment in the first place. On the other hand, I did wrong somebody, so should I just suck it up and let them get it out of their system? :) Kinda hard to know what the "right" thing to do is while I can feel my own resentment growing.

Wish there was a book on it. ;)

Of course, open to yall's views

booored

sigh, I so need to find a cool church OR people to shoot, this is kinda boring

Strange art

So I'm still kinda trying to break the habit (feels a LOT like quitting smoking ;) ), but I'm doing far better then I would have thought Friday, which just proves nothing is ever as bad as you think it is.

I am however just bubbling with ideas about pictures, and have great story-lines in my head I even picked up the pens again and did some drawing (woow who would have ever thought that!). It seems that feeling sad makes me more creative, lol, very sad but apparently true.

After Sabrina died I thought I could never take a picture again, I felt so... empty... everthing just seemed utterly useless. And I'm not saying it makes more sense now, if anything it is more useless :) but a shock like this to my system might just be what I needed. Yes, there is no point to life, good people die, bad people live, you get heart broken or break your own heart, that is kinda it. I think life isn't supposed to be easy, or painless for that matter, it's supposed to be a journey.

And I think the most treasured memories are the ones that have a sting, that is why it's so easy to find creative ideas in pain I guess, but it has to be the right kind of pain, not the disabling numbness I felt after Sabrina died, where nothing I could do would have changed the outcome. But this pain, kinda my own doing, with a nice coating of anger and frustration I can't wait to get my camera and shoot some stuff.

I should be grateful that this happened to me, I did try to pick the camera up before, but it never felt "good" or the same, like there was a distinct "before" and "after", and I could never get my mindset like the "before" again. Now..... I think I can, I know I can, I might suck at inter human relations ;), but I can push that button, I can make that shot.

I can be me again

So in all honesty I should say... thanks, you've been a lifesaver

staying positive

It has not been my best week ever, well it has been a totally crapy week to be blunt. Some of the stuff I can't write down because they are not my secrets to tell, most of the stuff I just don't want to write down because they're embarrassing.

Needless to say I frelled up :) (what else is new) but, on a positive note, I did manage to be there for the friends that needed me, and even helped some of them to feel better, if only for a little while.
So even in my frelled up state I was of some use (good to know right?)

Right now I'm trying to stay positive, find bright sides, force myself to smile, moving on. A friend told me that the best way to get over this "bump" is to deny it ever happened and remove all traces of it out of my life. Which I'm doing now, she swore it would help lots, so here goes hoping it works.

And on the more positive note, now that I have to keep myself busy (not to think/feel cause that is bad) I have been very effective in the house, it's squeaky clean and I'm thinking about baking something...

... ow baking, clear sign of depression, meh... I'll take that bump too, I'll take every bump and come out stronger .....

nuff with the power talk, muffins need to be baked (or brownies)